How to sort through discourse to get to the marriage you want

Your eyes are squeezed tight. You are thinking, hoping, and trying not to cry. You wonder how you got into this life sentence that echoes more of jail sentences than a fairy tale. You have seen the movies the ones where the guy rescues the girl, and she rescues him back. You realize that would mean that two people would have to communicate.

Communication is key if the key goes into that lock.

You wonder if your dormant detective skills are detecting and why you even need to use them. Why can’t people say what they mean and do what they say? If that happened, it would be easier. The whole marriage thing would be easier.

I realize three things this week that I want to share:
1) You have to ask the right question
2) What someone is saying isn’t always the issue you need to think beyond their speech
3) Resolutions aren’t fair, but they are necessary

What is the right question and how do you ask it without being a pain in the rear?

This is a hard one since it seems that my interrogation methods, while they would work in a court of law, do not work in my kitchen. I have found that my husband responds to a question and then needs time to think before he responds to the question. The question can’t contain multiple parts because he loses the intent of the question. The question can’t be started with a “you” phrase because that turns a question into an argument. Blame shouldn’t start a question or inquiry if you hope to get to a resolution.

Example: I came home from a long trip for work. I imagined my husband would give me a great big hug and kiss and welcome me home. He gave me a hug and then went on a complain session that would rival a political debate.

I asked him, “What do you need me to do?”
He responded, “Not, leave for work.” Yeah, that isn’t going to happen because I have two trips for work planned and I am not canceling them because it is easier for him for me to be home.

I tried my question again “What can I do next time to make my leaving easier on you?”

The truth is I will leave. I have to leave it is part of my job and on a personal level I need to get away sometimes. It makes me happy to grow my business and to see my friends. I am not giving up my happiness for his. There needs to be a balance.

What someone is saying isn’t always the issue you need to think beyond their speech

After a conversation that resembled a tennis match, that would rival the US Open. We came to the real issue. He just misses me. He also has a very strict diet, and I wasn’t there to make sure he had stuff he could eat. I decided before I leave next time that I would make freezer meals that could be placed in the crockpot or the pressure cooker that he could eat. The stress of his job coupled with all the responsibilities I handle was overwhelming to him. I would also try to call him or reach out twice a day no matter how busy my schedule was.

Resolutions aren’t fair, but they are necessary

My husband often travels for work. He just packs his suitcase and leaves. He does very little to help the family during his departure beside provide an income. When I leave, it is a full-time job to make sure everything runs like normal in my absence. It isn’t fair that I have to plan, schedule, and prepare because I also work and make a living but it is necessary. I would love just to be responsible for myself when I leave on a trip, but that isn’t realistic.

I find that being a good partner is rescuing your spouse when they need it but also trying to head off the disaster before the rescuing occurs. If you will providing a life vest, an intact vessel, and a qualified Captain before setting sail. I ask myself, “What could I do better next time?”

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I would also suggest reading my posts on the 7 Words that save my marriage everyday!

For more of my marriage articles read these:

Saving Our Marriage
How to Love Your Spouse Even When They Are Ugly
Life of Being Married to a Cop
Karla’s Korner: Marriage and Friendship