Day #2 in the love your spouse challenge. I would post a picture of a phone. You see Mat and I spent a lot of time on the phone. I would say years. When you love someone who is in the military you learn to communicate at a higher level. You do not have the daily reassurance that physical presence brings to a relationship. You have faith, commitment, and trust. You have to rely on words and you have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Mat has traveled the world over the last 20 years and I have never once worried about “us”. We have gone weeks without talking which was hard but I always knew no matter where in the world he was as soon as it was possible he would phone. I am really scared for everyone that relies on text messaging because there will be nothing better than hearing someone’s voice. If I was still dating I would demand a guy call me.

We are back to Day #3 – So how do you love someone even when they are ugly? I am obviously not talking about looks because I will say my husband is a good looking guy. You can reference the picture above and decide. I am talking about those times when the person you married gets under your skin like no other person can. Why? Well, I find because you can’t run away. You can’t just throw in the towel because you want to do so because it would be easier. It isn’t. I equate marriage to pushing a truck up a hill on days. It is easier is both people are pushing together and harder is one person is directing the pushing but not actually helping with the pushing. You could also say one has to steer and one has to push but one person can’t be on the curb and expect the other to both steer and push while the other one sits and offers  blow by blow instructions on how to do the job better.   I will give you a prime example of this scenario in our home. I used to manage a help desk virtually. I was on call 24/7 and I was also a full-time stay at home mom. My husband worked outside of the house at the time meaning he didn’t have a home office like he does now when he isn’t traveling. He came home from his job and I was making dinner. I was microwaving something and the plate shattered in the microwave. I am in the midst of a software crisis. I am trying to keep two or three children out of harms way and my husband decides to give me a scientific explanation for why this plate has cracked and what I could do better next time. I try to explain to him that we have about 5 minutes to make something before hell breaks lose and the hungry children find us. He continues to explain microwave waves and sound frequencies and launches into a lecture on something else entirely. I stared at him in disbelief because doesn’t he see the issue? We need to make dinner. We need to clean up the glass. What I do not need right now is a science class.

I will give you a prime example of this scenario in our home. I used to manage a help desk virtually. I was on call 24/7 and I was also a full-time stay at home mom. My husband worked outside of the house at the time meaning he didn’t have a home office like he does now when he isn’t traveling. He came home from his job and I was making dinner. I was microwaving something and the plate shattered in the microwave. I am in the midst of a software crisis. I am trying to keep two or three children out of harms way and my husband decides to give me a scientific explanation for why this plate has cracked and what I could do better next time. I try to explain to him that we have about 5 minutes to make something before hell breaks lose and the hungry children find us. He continues to explain microwave waves and sound frequencies and launches into a lecture on something else entirely. I stared at him in disbelief because doesn’t he see the issue? We need to make dinner. We need to clean up the glass. What I do not need right now is a science class.

This is one of those times where it could have gone either way. You know the moment where your mouth could have done more damage than your brain could get you out of. I grabbed a notebook and I wrote. I am leaving. I need you to cook dinner for the kids. Then I need you to clean up the plate that is broken. Finally, I need you to apologize because I asked you nicely to stop lecturing and start helping and you didn’t. I grabbed my car keys and left to take a drive.  You see in marriage people have different ways that they handle things. I know that my husband sometimes has a hard time hearing what I need. I know that if I write down instructions it helps him. I know when I about to get really ugly. I also know when he is about to get ugly. We have learned to fight fair. We take breaks from one another when needed. It is usually me who needs a break. I take time outs because sometimes one person can’t see that there is a truck that is being pushed up the hill. I decided a long time ago that communication is the single most important element to a successful marriage.

You see in marriage people have different ways that they handle things. I know that my husband sometimes has a hard time hearing what I need. I know that if I write down instructions it helps him. I know when I about to get really ugly. I also know when he is about to get ugly. We have learned to fight fair. We take breaks from one another when needed. I go on a drive and I admit it is usually me who needs a break. I take time outs because sometimes one person can’t see that there is a truck that is being pushed up the hill. I decided a long time ago that communication is the single most important element to a successful marriage. In order for helpful communication to occur sometimes there needs to be space in between the event and resolving the event.

You sometimes have to say things several ways and several times until someone understands what you mean. You also have to understand that their opinions are as important as your own. You have to say things from the place of fixing the problem. I call it attacking the issue, not the person. When I am angry I try to run every sentence through my brain before it comes out my mouth with the quality control label of is this “attacking the issue”. It wasn’t that my husband didn’t want to clean up the mess with me. He is Men Clean. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand the kids needed to be fed. He just couldn’t process that I was already stressed and I didn’t want to hear how I screwed up I just wanted him to fix it.

So how do you  love your spouse even when they are ugly? You make a list in your head of all the things that you love about them. You think about the positive things and you repeat them. I have a list I go through in my head when my husband annoys me. I will share a couple. 1) He is honest 2) He is a great dad 3) He is a hard worker 4) He puts us first 5) He is always willing to help anyone in need 6) Things do not matter to him people do 7) He is always my friend 8) He cleans my car 9) He does the dishes and the laundry because I hate doing them 10) When he holds my hand I feel invincible  There are more reasons why he is the “one” but the most important one is he also loves me even when I am ugly.

RealAdviceGal

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